Thief Jesus
Context: My Drow Rogue is looking to be introduced to the campaign I’m playing.
DM: Alright, so how are you going to introduce yourself to-
Me: I rob them blind.
DM: ……What?
Me: I rob them blind, they don’t know me yet, and I want all their shit.
DM, exasperated:…..Roll for Sleight of hand…..
Me: *rolls nat 20* 20. My base dex is 20, with +4 dex bonus, and +6 Sleight of hand…..So in total, it’s 50.
DM: ………You…..rob them blind, down the the very clothes they’re wearing in the marketplace, and leave them buck-naked in the middle of the fucking marketplace, when you make off with all your loot. You fucker.
Entire table dying of laughter.
Later, we have to fight four massive Owl Lord monsters
DM: Alright, so everyone’s gone their turn, Aradia (my rogue), what do you want-
Me: I steal their organs.
DM: ……You what.
Me: I steal their organs, fresh from the source. So do I roll for Strength or dex terity?
Angry DM who doesn’t know what I should roll for: ……Roll for Sleight of Hand.
Me: *rolls nat20* ……20.
DM: You……manage to slide and slide around the Owl Lords, ruthlessly gutting them and snatching their organs. By the time you finish, they’re all dead, and you’ve harvested their organs, fresh from the source. What do you do with them?
Me: …..Who wants dinner?!
Furious DM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH! ROLL FOR FUCKING COOKING, AND SO HELP ME IF YOU GET A-
Me: *rolls nat20* 20.
DM: ……..I hate you. So much.
Entire table has started chanting “Praise Thief Jesus!”
DM quit DnD that day.
Teacher Resigned!
Either this didn’t happen or your DM needs to learn when to say no to you. Nobody likes it when the rogue robs their character lmao
“my natural Dex is 20 and I rolled 20 so that makes my roll 40”
And y'all really thought we’d buy the rest of the story?
Honestly, stopped reading at “Drow Rogue”.
(Source: yourplayersaidwhat)
